Friends

Lately, I've been feeling so "off." I don't know if I'm having an identity crisis or just got caught in a slump. I haven't really been myself. I can't be as happy for others and I would like to be... and I don't love myself as much as I should - and felt like I have before. We all know the saying, "You can't truly love another until you love yourself." Well, crap.

I love Austin. I love my family. I love my friends. I love our new pup! I love my Heavenly Father. I just haven't been able to pinpoint what's got me feeling so... blahh. So, in order to get my life where I want it and focus on the important things, I decided I need to get rid of the unimportant things. What is it that makes me feel this way? When I wake up in the morning and I have that crummy sinking feeling inside, what triggers that?

I've been to known to "stress out" about the dumbest things. I've always dealt with a higher amount of anxiety. But, I (attempt to) deal with it by focusing on what I need to get done - and the rest follows. It's like they teach in church... Do what you know you need to do. Make good habits and put forth the effort to do the "big" things, and the "small" things will fall into place.

I think I care too much about what people think of me. I've always looked at it as doing my part to make others feel happy. I love making others happy! I just went to the grocery store and talked to the cashier about how she wrecked her car by rear-ending a cop! Oh my gosh! For a second or two, I though, "Oh, I could let her borrow my car!" What?? I don't even know this girl... and I USE my car.

I'm not saying I'm the most selfless person on earth. I could use some work. But, I mean, come on... It's hard for me to believe ALL those people asking for money on every other street corner are homeless. Maybe a few just couldn't catch a break. But, every single one of them? Hm? You don't have friends or family to help you out? Or at least point you in the right direction? Go talk to your bishop. He'll help. That's what I say.

But, I do love helping those I love. I try to do what I can, whether someone needs a favor, someone to listen, a compliment, a simple "Thank you" or "I'm happy for you." I try. And I have been so blessed with such wonderful people in my life that I get all THAT in return, too. How lucky am I? There have been times I've felt guilty - having such a great support system. Austin is so patient with me. Our parents are all so understanding and supportive. They never run out of room in their hearts! I can't name all the people in my life to help shape me into who I want to be.

So, I've decided that I want to take my relationships with others to the next level. And, you know what. That just sounded like I meant something else. ha! I mean I want to take it up a notch. I want these people who are always there for me to know I'm there for them. I take more than I have to give. So, I want to give even more. I want to dig deeper and get to know people even better. I love talking to others and hearing what they have to say. I need these people to know I care.

With this new idea, and as sad as this sounds, I need to weed out those who bring me down. I will always love my friends and family and I don't believe in "writing off" any one person. But, I do feel like some relationships just aren't worth the effort. I mean, I can SEE that's the case. I look at my relationships with some people and can't figure out what else I can possibly do. Sometimes I get so upset when people don't care about the effort I give. I don't ever want to be someone who doesn't care. I want to be a great friend.

I don't think we (as people - individuals) give ourselves enough attention. Well, some people do. But, there are those who love themselves and those who LOVE themselves. I don't particularly care for arrogant, overconfident, self-righteous people. Who does, right? I'm talking about self-evaluation. I'm talking about our own needs. I'm talking about taking care of yourself and staying in-tune with your own well-being. Then, when you feel like you're in a good place, lose yourself in the service of others. That'll make you feel even better.

You know those people who let others walk all over them? We all know those people. They're so selfless and humble. But, they need to stick up for themselves! They need to get out of life what they deserve. And they deserve recognition, respect, and gratitude. When someone achieves something - say, beats CANCER, we all join with them in celebration. We all wore a Livestrong bracelet a time or two, right? (pfft.) People love the underdog! It's exciting. It's so great to see someone come from behind - from a low, difficult place. No one likes to be in that place. It's lonely.

I'm not really a fighter. I've never been competitive. But, I'm going to rise to the top. I'm going to climb as high as I can. I may have to leave others behind. But, not the ones I love. I'm bringing them with me! I have a lot to give. I want to give it! I want to help others and show them how much I care. So, I don't feel like it's fair to me - or those I love and care about - to spend time helping those who have hurt me. Like I said, I'm not writing anyone off. I'm not forgetting about them. And, if they need anything, I'm still here. But, I can't keep reaching out my hand to help, just to have them deny me and (even worse) bring me back down.

I mean, Christ has asked us to come to Him. He paid for our sins ahead of time. He literally felt all our sorrows and pain. He knows what awful choices we have made - and will keep making. We're totally imperfect. But, on this "climb" of life, we have His help. He's always there - reaching out His hand. There are people above and below us, but He has the strength to help us all. He has SO much to give. His purpose was and is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men." He bore that burden and now, all we have to do is return to him. He's reaching out his hand. If we just sit at the bottom - or turn around to make fun of the people below us, He can't help us up. He have to climb as high as we can and he'll do the rest. We just need to put forth a real effort!

So, I don't have THAT much to give. I mean, I can't even fathom the reality of how that must be. But, I want to share what I do have. I have talents and blessings. For the things I don't have, I totally depend on others - those who offer me their support. I probably take total advantage of that, every chance I get. Ok, definitely. I do. But, I hope I can't have something to give in return. I want to be the best me I can be. I want to turn around and help people who have fallen. When I fall, I want to look up at the people who I know will help me.

Now, I've formed this "rock wall" analogy in my mind. Freak. I can't rock climb. But, that's how I'm going to look at my relationships with others. And, when you all reach the top, please take pity on me. I'll probably be crying, mascara running down my face. Just kidding - I'll probably forget to put makeup on that day. But, please don't throw rocks at me. I'll fall.

We all have those days, months, YEARS. Anxieties, fears, depression, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence, flaws, ailments, you name it. Instead of acting like we're fine and covering it up, let's depend on each other. Let's share our burdens AND our successes - our talents and blessings. Let's rejoice in and celebrate one another and be there as a shoulder to cry on. We're all in this chaotic world together. We all have the same end goal in sight. It's not a race. We won't be scored against one another. I don't see any reason to bring each other down. So, let's all rise up together. Too cheesy? Whatevs.

You want to hear something cheesy? Let me end this post with a little diddy I (for reals) heard in the grocery store - before I talked to the girl about her car accident. No joke. Enjoy. AND you all better know where this is from:

So no one told you life was going to be this way. 
Your job's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA. 
It's like you're always stuck in second gear, 
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. 

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. 
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. 
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too. 

You're still in bed at ten, the work began at eight. 
You've burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great. 
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these, 
But she didn't tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees. 

That, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. 
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. 
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too. 

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me. 
Seems like you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me. 
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with, 
Someone I'll always laugh with, even at my worst, I'm best with you. 

It's like you're always stuck in second gear, 
Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. 

But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour. 
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before. 
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.

Booyah! Peace.