2014 Resolutions and, better yet, conclusions

So, I have my fair share of goals I'd like to reach this year.

Financial. Savings, budget, and work-related.

Spiritual. Prayer, studies, and daily habits.

Personal. Emotional, physical, and mental health.

Social. My husband, family, friends, and even strangers.

I could go on.

But, also important to me are the conclusions I've come to. What am I going to move past and leave behind? What will I look back on from 2013 and decide to go without?

Guilt. I don't want to worry anymore about things I cannot re-do, control, or fix. I want to be a good person. I will absolutely make amends in any way I can. But, if I feel one way and worry that someone else disagrees or will judge me for it, well... so what. I will learn all I can, be as aware and sensitive as I can, make informed decisions, and at the end of the day, that's that.

I spend far too much time worrying about others in a way I shouldn't have to. I have so much anxiety running through my brain and down through my toes. I shouldn't have to take medicine to make me feel better about things I can easily rid my life of.


Jealousy. I think about what I can do to change my current state. "How can I have a cuter house?" "I should dress more like her." Why do my trials, flaws, and things I can't control have to feel like inferiorities? As I'm sure you know, Austin and I have been trying to start a family for over 2 years now. It's been so hard and so frustrating. We've been to a few different doctors and after looking into several different possibilities, sometimes their answer is, "I just don't know. Everything looks fine." We've prayed and know we'll have a family in the Lord's time. Sadly, that doesn't magically make it easy.

I don't ever want my jealousy to grow into resentment. I don't want someone else's blessing of having a baby to make me feel any worse about myself. How could I blame anyone for something they can't control? How do I know they weren't trying for a long time, too? They can't help that we can't get pregnant. Their happiness really has nothing to do with mine.

I get very jealous. But, I also have a very good life. I have such a loving, supportive husband. I know we have a lot to work on and we are by no means perfect. But, I do believe we're pretty perfect for each other. We have a nice, secure home to live in. We have a puppy who looks to us with his big, brown eyes and gives us his whole heart. We both have such supportive, understanding families that love us despite our faults. We really have so much to be thankful for.


Judgement. I mean, come on. We're all human. Everyone looks at another person and makes a judgement about them. Whether it be good or bad... it's still not fair. It's not ok. We may not have any idea of what that person is going through. We might think we do. But, we're not in their brain. We don't know.

I need to focus more on my own actions (and thoughts, apparently). What can I do to better myself? What should I be taking the time to work on - instead of "casting stones" at others? Do I really think pretending I know how someone else should act makes me a better person? It doesn't even stop at petty, little things. I question why someone did this... or how they could say that. Who am I to judge?

This is one thing I really admire about my mother-in-law. She is so kind and always gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. We may not feel comfortable giving all the details as to why we can't make it to... a family dinner, for instance. But, without hesitation, she makes us feel so great about taking care of ourselves. She tells us not worry about a thing, she completely understands, and loves us so much. What an incredible reaction! She's an angel.


Trust (well, Distrust, rather). I always thought I was a trusting person. I saw myself as open-minded, understanding, and welcoming to others. Now that I'm realizing that's not the case, I've become so disheartened by the way others must actually see me. Looking back, I really haven't given some people the benefit of the doubt.

The hardest thing for me is not having a lack of trust, but giving someone my trust who I don't feel has earned it. In the past, I trusted others unless they'd given me a reason not to. Lately, I've found myself leery of those I don't know or understand. It's not like I've actually been wronged by a certain person, but I just don't understand their actions. So, in certain circumstances (and even just in general), I find it hard to put my trust and confidence in them. It's almost as if I'm too suspicious they may hurt or offend me. So, I jump ahead to feeling resentful when nothing has even happened. How can I build a relationship in the midst of all that?

This is a real trial for me. I don't even fully understand it. I mean, it's not like I feel this way about a lot of people. I don't even need one whole hand to count all the people I struggle letting "in." But, even having issues with one person gives me the worst feeling. Then, I stew about it, the guilt comes into play, and you can see how this vicious cycle comes about. I haven't figured out quite how to move past it. I've realized that my own feelings of self-doubt are probably feeding my distrust. Man oh man. My insecurities sometimes (too many times) get the best of me.

Ok, next...


Laziness. I've looked at the side effects of the medicines I take and you'll never guess what they all have in common. Fatigue. Drowsiness. Low Energy. & also... Chronic Trouble Sleeping. Feeling Restless. One of them even lists "Yawning." Whaa? Right now, I'm thinking over the idea of the "benefit outweighing the risk/side effects." heh.

But, I want to live a happy, productive life. I don't think I'm straight-up lazy. I do think I have a hard time staying motivated - especially if it isn't something I'm necessarily passionate about. I love taking care of children. So, I love my job. Being a nanny is fun, fulfilling, and rewarding. I love taking care of Austin. I love sewing and doing crafts. I even love cleaning and organizing. Do I ever get tired of some of these things? Yes. Quite. I've been in such a rut lately. I'm going to stop making excuses.


I mean, you guys... I have a lot to work on. This list could continue on forever. Like I said, I've been in a rut lately. I've just gotten so discouraged. I've become so used to feeling down. Sometimes I get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget what's most important. I need to remember who I am and continue working toward who I want to be.

I need to remember that I'm never alone. I'm going to take time for myself. I'm excited to strengthen my relationship with my Savior, my husband, and all my loved ones. I'll get to know myself better. I'm going to rid my life of unnecessary drama and chaos so there is more room for happiness and feelings of self-worth.

Austin and I have decided to make this year a year for "us." We're going to focus on our life together. We're making plans and preparing for what's to come. We will use this as a pivotal point to cater to each other's emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health.

So, come what may. I don't want to forget the lessons I've learned in the past. 2013 was a really, really hard year - but, it was also pretty insightful. Hindsight, right?

Here's to 2014.