The reality of our unfortunate circumstance

Let me just start by saying, "I'm not mad."

I'm not mad when I find out someone else's good news. Is it human to immediately envy others with blessings you may not have? Well, yeah. I'm not mad when I scroll down my Facebook newsfeed to find 3 more of my friends are pregnant. Why on earth would I deny any one of my friends the love I can give them? Along with that, why would I harden my own heart and do myself the disservice of feeling hate? I'm not mad when I feel left behind. Frustrated, discouraged, disheartened... maybe. But, those are my own feelings to figure out. I know I'm not literally being left behind. Life is not a race. I know that. There is no competition between any two people. I'm not mad when I get to hold a brand new baby, knowing it may be much longer than I thought until I hold one of my own. I'm not mad that Austin and I are struggling with such a huge part of our lives.

I'm blessed to have Austin to help me through this - and for the chance I have to help him. I hope I never take him for granted. I love him so much. He is my rock. When I breakdown, and I mean break-DOWN, he's there for me like no one else could be. It's a miracle we found each other. Our relationship is so precious. We promised, "forever." And I meant it.

Austin and I are so blessing with such loving, supportive friends and family. I didn't know friends could be so essential in life. I've always known my family is great. I mean, duh. (jk) (not jk) My parents tell us they got lucky - not only loving us (their kids), but really liking us, too. phew! & I know that's not the case with every family. I think that's really a shame. It's not any one person's fault. If there is one thing I've learned about people, it's that you can't control them. I don't mean in a robotic, "do my bidding" kind of way. But, people break you. They'll tear you down in the sneakiest ways. But, then there are the people who build you back up. They make it seem like it's their one job on this earth because they're so darn good at it. Those selfless, caring, understanding people are the ones I couldn't live without.


Yesterday, I went to my first appointment with my new doctor (well, midwife). Maybe she was just having a super day, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt - she's awesome. I felt like a real individual. She was so patient, never made me feel rushed, and took the time to explain everything in detail.

THANK YOU.

Long story short, she told me she's almost positive I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). Yeesh.

I mean, I'm relieved to finally have answers. It really explains a lot... and, let's face it, it could be a lot worse. But, I'm not necessarily jumping for joy. It's still not great news.

Recap: Austin and I have been "trying" since November of 2011. We got married the June before that and BOOM, baby hunger hit. I've always loved kids (some more than others). I've always wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted to be a young mom and enjoy as much as my posterity's lives as possible. But, I know there are just some things you can't control. It really stinks this has to be one of them, though.

Ok. Fast forward. Today. Austin's sister, Joy, who is a year younger than me, is in labor ...like, right now. As I'm typing this, she is in the hospital, ready to hold her little boy, baby #1. My in-laws' first grandbaby. So, I'm totally bitter and never want to see her baby. JK! I can't WAIT to meet her baby. I'm so happy she doesn't have to wait any longer! - not as long as I have and not as long as others have. I've been waiting for just over 2 years, so far. I can't imagine waiting 5, 6, 8, 10 years! I don't think Austin can imagine me waiting that long either... he's so patient with me...

What I really want to say is that... I'm not broken. I'm not withering away. Do I appreciate sensitivity? chYEAH. Do I want to drag this "elephant in the room" wherever I go? No way. On a scale of 1 - 10, talking about pregnancy (especially in groups of people) ranks at about a 2. If I bring it up one-on-one, that's another story. I want to have a good relationship with the people I love, including pregnant people I love - sisters, friends, cousins, aunts, etc. I want to feel the baby kick. I want to know how they're feeling. I want to talk about their plans for the baby. Do I want everyone in the room waiting to see my reaction to their announcement? Definitely not. Am I demanding a pity party because I'm struggling? Of course not! The last thing I want anyone thinking is, "poor Molly" ...because I know you all are ;)

WHAT I WANT... is for someone to talk to me. What I want is to not feel so alone. I don't want to feel like an outsider. I want to be part of the fun and excitement. But, it's hard. I also want to run 10 miles. Am I in shape to do that? Big nope. So, when I want to be part of the "pregnancy talk," I can only push myself so far. I'm not in good shape yet. But, I'm working on it. I'm exercising my emotional strength. So, while I'm feeling "out of shape" and left behind, some company would be nice.

I know infertility isn't really fun to talk about. I appreciate so much when someone asks me for an update. Sometimes, I don't have a lot to say. I haven't really known a lot until now. But, just knowing that person cares enough to ask... that fills my heart right up. I feel so loved. I know it's a lot more exciting to talk about a baby growing, their due date, picking out baby clothes, baby names, funny pregnancy stories. pff! I'm right there with ya. Trust me, if I had the choice, I'd choose to be pregnant before where I am now... Sadly, there's not all that much I can do about that. I'm figuring it out.

But, next time I seem down or like I'm not feeling well, please give me the benefit of the doubt. I don't have morning sickness to blame it on. I don't have back pain and muscle cramps because I'm carrying a small person. But, I do have a crap ton of hormones surging through my body. I'm taking different pills and trying to balance my psycho "insides." The emotional baggage I carry makes me so tired. I'm trying to work out my anxieties and depression. I take medication to help me focus and complete tasks. I mean, I'm kind of a wreck!

I try to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. Being an outsider or the minority or the "charity case" is never fun. It's way more fun when you "fit right in." I promise, on my harder days, to take a deep breath and remember to smile. I promise to try my best to push myself as far as I can. One day, I'll be in such great shape.

Now, more than ever, I need support. I mean, what I really need are answers from my doctor.... and we're working on that. I don't know how long the road ahead may be. I'm so relieved to have Austin by my side. I know we'll have plenty of trials as we go through life. This isn't the end. We're still in our beginning. One way or another, it'll work out and all will be juuusst fine. Until then, we'll just keep on keepin' on.

So, I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I don't hate anyone. I do think some people are more tactful than others... but, that's not the point. Despite the struggles we may have, I feel so blessed. We have a lot to be grateful for. After all, our blessings and the joy we get from the "good days" are what keep us going.