I just need to vent

Lately, I've been in such a rut.

What I blog (and think) most about - infertility... sucks. We still have no answers. I'm not convinced I have PCOS. I don't think the doctors really are, either. I've been taking Metformin twice a day for what - 3 months? 4 months? I don't even remember. But, it doesn't seem like it does much more than make me sick ever single day. If this is what it's like to have diabetes, I'd like to never have diabetes.

My period is totally out of whack. Sometimes I never have it, sometimes it lasts more than a month. This morning, I woke up, found that a totally bled through, and said good morning to a blood clot the size of a... cherry? Gross. Anyway, flattened, it was about 2 inches across. Sorry. TMI. Gross, I know. But, this month I was supposed to be regular and ovulate. Tomorrow is day 21 of my cycle. Meaning, if I wake up tomorrow, still bleeding, that's a 3 week period. I'm on medicines to help that. I pay a lot of money for someone to fix that.

I come home from these appointments with the expectation of regulating. They tell me they'll see me in 3 months, "Unless you're pregnant first!" *wink* ...mkay. No. I can't do that anymore. I'm not blaming the doctors. I get that it's hard. I know it's really a guessing game. An educated guessing game. But, blood clots aren't normal. I've been through this before. If you've read my posts, you know, 2 hysteroscopies to remove any polyps. Why am I bleeding then? I make an appointment and they can't fit me in for a few days. By then, I magically stop bleeding. I'm just supposed to go on with life like everything is back to normal.

Today, Monday. I call and leave a message at 7:30. I hear back at about 10:00. I tell her everything. I'm bleeding again. "Really?! hm. Ok... Let's get you in here then. I have an opening at 4:50pm on Wednesday...."

So, what am I going to do?

I'll tell you. I think I just want to be done with this medicine. At least for now. I can't keep telling myself I'll be pregnant one day. I can't keep my hopes up. Austin and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. No, actually, we have been trying to start trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. We've been staying positive. We've loved and supported everyone through their pregnancies for almost 3 years. We've been holding everyone else's babies for almost 3 years. We've been paying money for medicines and procedures for almost 3 years. Our hearts have been aching for almost 3 years.

I would love to have my baby here with me now. I know we're meant to be parents. We both know it. We're ready for the crazy chaotic adventure. We have been holding that place in our hearts for so long. We can't fill it with anything else. There is nothing else we can do with that hole in our hearts. It's hard to ignore or put on the back burner.

I want to adopt. I want to adopt now. I need something to work towards. Real, explainable hope. Something I can talk about. Something exciting and positive and great. I need to put this grief behind me. We need something to work out.

I can't replace or distract my need to be a mother with a house... that doesn't fix anything. That's just WHERE I want to be a mother. I can't put the thought of a baby behind me when I nanny for someone else's babies every day. I can't pretend it's not an issue. I can't forget about it. I can't put my heart somewhere else. I'm in love with the idea of being a mother. I can't change that. My whole life, I've been told to become a mother. I've wanted to be a mother. My high school friends bet on the likelyhood that I would have kids first. I've seen so many people become a mother before me. How am I not supposed to feel left behind? I know it's not a RACE. But, I'm not even part of the fun.

I don't love anyone or their new babies any less. Am I jealous? Yeah. I definitely am. I don't like being jealous. I don't like having those feelings in my heart. I feel cheated... out of my chance. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to work towards.

I just feel like adoption is something I can be proactive with. I can work harder, get the word out, fill out applications, prepare my home. I can see, on paper, that we're approved for adoption. I can see children being adopted. I can make changes I need to. I can become a better choice or applicant - to be an adoptive parent. I have no control over my ovaries. I have no control over my hormones or the doctors or the medicine and how they affect on my body. I don't even have answers for why things are the way they are.

I just need my family. I would love to have biological kids. I would LOVE to have little ones that look like us. But, in the eternities, it doesn't matter. I have a family waiting to join us here on earth. I'll get them here however I can.

I just need to do something. I need to do everything I can to bring my family to me.