Remember when I told you (in my last post) that we were starting this "HUGE new project" ...? haha. Well, we've got another. And, quite frankly, it's bigger! Ok. Size-wise, not nearly as big as a house. But, when it comes to time, effort, love, and all the changes we'll see in our life, it's definitely bigger.
Austin and I are adopting!!
Most of you probably already know that. I feel like I'm Facebook friends with all my readers. If I'm NOT Facebook friends with you, then... that's weird. I don't know why we aren't. But, we announced our new last week. We shared our blog link with others over the phone, with texts, through email, on Google+, Facebook, and Instagram. If you haven't stopped by to look, please do!!
Erin started a fundraising site for us. Ok. I think that deserves a little more excitement... ERIN STARTED A FUNDRAISING SITE FOR US!! WAHH! Seriously. She's incredible. She helps me with so much. Big things. Little things. Things that probably only exist in my mind... She's got it all covered. Poor girl. I'm so high maintenance. I do love the face that we are always on this same wavelength. Maybe it only exists between the two of us. But, I think there have been times when we actually read each others thoughts. You know, I'm actually positive that happened.
But, that site has already worked wonders! I worry about money. I wish I didn't. I hate how easy it is for money to rule us. Adoption is just so darn expensive. But, seeing all the love and generosity from so many people... I think it's actually lowered my stress level on an eternal scale. Seeing that our #1 dream can come true - in a very real way - has caused real improvements. To me, as a human. Visually - my stress pimples are receding. Mentally - I'm less manic. Emotionally - I'm beginning to form rational thoughts. I'll have to check with Austin, but I may actually be an easier person to live with. hm.
I'm gonna be real with you. I don't know how I haven't (literally) talked my mom's ear off. She is down-right perfect. I'm not talking "never makes a mistake (but she basically never does), looks like a Barbie doll (I mean, she is like, an inch shorter than Barbie...), never has a bad day (she said darnit ...once)." She's the best friend we all need. She knows when to give advice and when to roll her eyes - which we rarely see... since we almost always talk over the phone. She's always there. During work. During dinner. During her free time. Plus, she's the coolest. If you have a lame mom, I'm sorry. I don't know what that's like. I can't understand how people live without talking to their mom at least twice a day.
Paige is the big sister I never had... until I was 18. Ha! Paige and I existed in separate universes... but, within the same house. Six years is a weird age gap. Well, not anymore. I go to Paige for everything. I mean. Seriously. It gets ridiculous. But, Paige always has an opinion. And her opinions matter to me. *If I can't decide what color to paint my nails, Paige will ask me what I'm wearing, what I'm planning on wearing for any noteworthy plans I may have, take into account what season it is, and give me some good, solid reasoning. On a serious note, though... I can talk to her about anything and I love that! She has taught me so much about being selfless and hardworking. She's always there for me when she really doesn't have to be. Having someone who validates you as much as you validate them is essential.
*Please assume this is a hypothetical scenario.
My parents. My in-laws. ALL our siblings. Old friends. Really old friends. New friends. Even people we hardly know. So many people have been so incredibly supportive of us. I wish I could write a paragraph about everyone we owe thanks to. Every day, Austin and I talk about something else someone said or did that made us feel great. We have so much love, I'm overwhelmed. I wish I could give as much as we're receiving.
I've heard from countless adoptive parents that adopting is one of the most spiritual experiences they've ever been through. I can tell you that we're feeling it. I know there is a child for us. I know there is a birth mom who we will connect with and grow to love. We have a long road ahead of us. But, even now, I can feel the love flooding into our lives. I don't know how to thank everyone.
Here, on my trusty, old blog, I'm an open book. I hope no one thinks I'm crazy. I don't think I'm losing my mind. I do depend on this blog, though. I depend on everyone who reads it. The comments I receive lift me higher. I think I've been waiting to post until I felt like I'd gathered my thoughts. Since I don't think that say will ever come, this is the best I can do.
I hope no one ever feels like they're obsolete. I appreciate you. I can be pretty terrible at returning kind gestures. So, until I get a chance to tell you what you mean to me, just know the kind gestures are working. Some days are so hard. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, I don't want to get out of bed because I don't know where to start! But, I'm trying. I'm sorting out priorities, responsibilities, and goals. When I read kind words from all of you, I'm reminded of the incredible life I have. I remember that hard days pass and, because of my wonderful support system, I can do hard things!
So, here we go. We're really doing it! Follow our story.
www.austinandmollyadopt.blogspot.com
Stop by our fundraising site, read Erin's perfectly worded message, and share it with others!
www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/austin-and-molly/273146
Friday, December 12, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
New (HUGE) Project
So, for those who don't know (which I'm guessing most of you do...), Austin and I are building a house! Yay! & when I say "building," I mean... With our own hands.
...
I'll pause for a moment, giving you a chance to lift your jaw from the floor... or wipe away tears of laughter. You may find yourself asking the question, "Is Molly really cut out for this?" The answer is "No."
Austin heard about this program, called Self-Help Homes (which Paige endearingly tells me sounds like an addiction recovery group). Dallas, who he worked with back at Summit, said he & his wife were looking into it. When Austin brought it up with me, I humored him for a few days... then conveniently stopped bringing it up. It wasn't until we got back from our San Diego trip in March that I actually started considering it.
We got approved in May, met with the coordinator in Provo, and started filling out applications... slow signing our life away.
They way it all works... well, let me explain. Self-Help Homes is run through the Rural Housing Development Corporation & funded by the USDA. It's all income-based, which is why you have to "qualify" & be "approved." Each group includes at least 4 or 5 houses... Ours includes 10. The homeowners (meaning us) work together to build the homes. Obviously, it would be unwise for inexperienced people to have TOO much control... so, concrete, plumbing, electrical, etc will all be done by licensed pros. (Phew!)
So, we met with our loan people, title people, & all the "people" we needed to meet with to get this process started. We picked a floor plan on a lot we liked, had a design meeting where we picked everything from hardware & paint colors to the cabinets & flooring. Then, we waited...
We drove by our lots ALL the time (seriously. ALL. The. Time.) to check for any changes. After weeks of waiting, we finally started seeing machinery & workers... & before we knew it, we were meeting as a group (all the homeowners for all 10 lots/houses), learning how to build our own houses.
So, each household is required to work 35 hours each week. The hours can be put in by husbands, wives, or any volunteers over the age of 16. We can have as many volunteers as we want (but only 2 volunteers can log hours at a time).
So far, we've all been trained to work on separate tasks. Are you ready for me to start using fancy words? Austin and I are working on rim joists. Ok. That's really all I know... oh! One more. Green plate is basically treated 2x4's that lay directing on the concrete - in the basement... Under the walls that are framed. BAM! Impressed? I thought so.
So, that's about where we are now. We're getting the first 3 houses up through the framing stage before more wood comes for the next houses. Apparently you don't want your wood sitting out for too long in the rain/snow before you get it all up & roofed. Duh. I mean, makes sense... I just wouldn't think of that.
I'm loving this whole thing so far. We have an incredible group of people who we're so blessed to have as neighbors. Our family has been incredibly helpful in so many ways! Moral support (which goes a LONG way), volunteering with us, making meals for our late nights, & even want hung Doug while we work!
We're so excited to be in this program! As far as a finish date... We're hoping for late spring/early summer. It'll be crazy to work through the winter, but we're getting geared up for bad weather & hopefully we can push through it!
So, if you're looking for a reason to hammer some nails or operate some power tools, call us up!
Monday, July 28, 2014
I just need to vent
Lately, I've been in such a rut.
What I blog (and think) most about - infertility... sucks. We still have no answers. I'm not convinced I have PCOS. I don't think the doctors really are, either. I've been taking Metformin twice a day for what - 3 months? 4 months? I don't even remember. But, it doesn't seem like it does much more than make me sick ever single day. If this is what it's like to have diabetes, I'd like to never have diabetes.
My period is totally out of whack. Sometimes I never have it, sometimes it lasts more than a month. This morning, I woke up, found that a totally bled through, and said good morning to a blood clot the size of a... cherry? Gross. Anyway, flattened, it was about 2 inches across. Sorry. TMI. Gross, I know. But, this month I was supposed to be regular and ovulate. Tomorrow is day 21 of my cycle. Meaning, if I wake up tomorrow, still bleeding, that's a 3 week period. I'm on medicines to help that. I pay a lot of money for someone to fix that.
I come home from these appointments with the expectation of regulating. They tell me they'll see me in 3 months, "Unless you're pregnant first!" *wink* ...mkay. No. I can't do that anymore. I'm not blaming the doctors. I get that it's hard. I know it's really a guessing game. An educated guessing game. But, blood clots aren't normal. I've been through this before. If you've read my posts, you know, 2 hysteroscopies to remove any polyps. Why am I bleeding then? I make an appointment and they can't fit me in for a few days. By then, I magically stop bleeding. I'm just supposed to go on with life like everything is back to normal.
Today, Monday. I call and leave a message at 7:30. I hear back at about 10:00. I tell her everything. I'm bleeding again. "Really?! hm. Ok... Let's get you in here then. I have an opening at 4:50pm on Wednesday...."
So, what am I going to do?
I'll tell you. I think I just want to be done with this medicine. At least for now. I can't keep telling myself I'll be pregnant one day. I can't keep my hopes up. Austin and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. No, actually, we have been trying to start trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. We've been staying positive. We've loved and supported everyone through their pregnancies for almost 3 years. We've been holding everyone else's babies for almost 3 years. We've been paying money for medicines and procedures for almost 3 years. Our hearts have been aching for almost 3 years.
I would love to have my baby here with me now. I know we're meant to be parents. We both know it. We're ready for the crazy chaotic adventure. We have been holding that place in our hearts for so long. We can't fill it with anything else. There is nothing else we can do with that hole in our hearts. It's hard to ignore or put on the back burner.
I want to adopt. I want to adopt now. I need something to work towards. Real, explainable hope. Something I can talk about. Something exciting and positive and great. I need to put this grief behind me. We need something to work out.
I can't replace or distract my need to be a mother with a house... that doesn't fix anything. That's just WHERE I want to be a mother. I can't put the thought of a baby behind me when I nanny for someone else's babies every day. I can't pretend it's not an issue. I can't forget about it. I can't put my heart somewhere else. I'm in love with the idea of being a mother. I can't change that. My whole life, I've been told to become a mother. I've wanted to be a mother. My high school friends bet on the likelyhood that I would have kids first. I've seen so many people become a mother before me. How am I not supposed to feel left behind? I know it's not a RACE. But, I'm not even part of the fun.
I don't love anyone or their new babies any less. Am I jealous? Yeah. I definitely am. I don't like being jealous. I don't like having those feelings in my heart. I feel cheated... out of my chance. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to work towards.
I just feel like adoption is something I can be proactive with. I can work harder, get the word out, fill out applications, prepare my home. I can see, on paper, that we're approved for adoption. I can see children being adopted. I can make changes I need to. I can become a better choice or applicant - to be an adoptive parent. I have no control over my ovaries. I have no control over my hormones or the doctors or the medicine and how they affect on my body. I don't even have answers for why things are the way they are.
I just need my family. I would love to have biological kids. I would LOVE to have little ones that look like us. But, in the eternities, it doesn't matter. I have a family waiting to join us here on earth. I'll get them here however I can.
I just need to do something. I need to do everything I can to bring my family to me.
What I blog (and think) most about - infertility... sucks. We still have no answers. I'm not convinced I have PCOS. I don't think the doctors really are, either. I've been taking Metformin twice a day for what - 3 months? 4 months? I don't even remember. But, it doesn't seem like it does much more than make me sick ever single day. If this is what it's like to have diabetes, I'd like to never have diabetes.
My period is totally out of whack. Sometimes I never have it, sometimes it lasts more than a month. This morning, I woke up, found that a totally bled through, and said good morning to a blood clot the size of a... cherry? Gross. Anyway, flattened, it was about 2 inches across. Sorry. TMI. Gross, I know. But, this month I was supposed to be regular and ovulate. Tomorrow is day 21 of my cycle. Meaning, if I wake up tomorrow, still bleeding, that's a 3 week period. I'm on medicines to help that. I pay a lot of money for someone to fix that.
I come home from these appointments with the expectation of regulating. They tell me they'll see me in 3 months, "Unless you're pregnant first!" *wink* ...mkay. No. I can't do that anymore. I'm not blaming the doctors. I get that it's hard. I know it's really a guessing game. An educated guessing game. But, blood clots aren't normal. I've been through this before. If you've read my posts, you know, 2 hysteroscopies to remove any polyps. Why am I bleeding then? I make an appointment and they can't fit me in for a few days. By then, I magically stop bleeding. I'm just supposed to go on with life like everything is back to normal.
Today, Monday. I call and leave a message at 7:30. I hear back at about 10:00. I tell her everything. I'm bleeding again. "Really?! hm. Ok... Let's get you in here then. I have an opening at 4:50pm on Wednesday...."
So, what am I going to do?
I'll tell you. I think I just want to be done with this medicine. At least for now. I can't keep telling myself I'll be pregnant one day. I can't keep my hopes up. Austin and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. No, actually, we have been trying to start trying to get pregnant for almost 3 years. We've been staying positive. We've loved and supported everyone through their pregnancies for almost 3 years. We've been holding everyone else's babies for almost 3 years. We've been paying money for medicines and procedures for almost 3 years. Our hearts have been aching for almost 3 years.
I would love to have my baby here with me now. I know we're meant to be parents. We both know it. We're ready for the crazy chaotic adventure. We have been holding that place in our hearts for so long. We can't fill it with anything else. There is nothing else we can do with that hole in our hearts. It's hard to ignore or put on the back burner.
I want to adopt. I want to adopt now. I need something to work towards. Real, explainable hope. Something I can talk about. Something exciting and positive and great. I need to put this grief behind me. We need something to work out.
I can't replace or distract my need to be a mother with a house... that doesn't fix anything. That's just WHERE I want to be a mother. I can't put the thought of a baby behind me when I nanny for someone else's babies every day. I can't pretend it's not an issue. I can't forget about it. I can't put my heart somewhere else. I'm in love with the idea of being a mother. I can't change that. My whole life, I've been told to become a mother. I've wanted to be a mother. My high school friends bet on the likelyhood that I would have kids first. I've seen so many people become a mother before me. How am I not supposed to feel left behind? I know it's not a RACE. But, I'm not even part of the fun.
I don't love anyone or their new babies any less. Am I jealous? Yeah. I definitely am. I don't like being jealous. I don't like having those feelings in my heart. I feel cheated... out of my chance. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to work towards.
I just feel like adoption is something I can be proactive with. I can work harder, get the word out, fill out applications, prepare my home. I can see, on paper, that we're approved for adoption. I can see children being adopted. I can make changes I need to. I can become a better choice or applicant - to be an adoptive parent. I have no control over my ovaries. I have no control over my hormones or the doctors or the medicine and how they affect on my body. I don't even have answers for why things are the way they are.
I just need my family. I would love to have biological kids. I would LOVE to have little ones that look like us. But, in the eternities, it doesn't matter. I have a family waiting to join us here on earth. I'll get them here however I can.
I just need to do something. I need to do everything I can to bring my family to me.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Notes
I have to take detailed notes during each phone call with my nurse... Otherwise, I'll forget all my assignments. Ahh!
Sometimes I wonder if this is all worth it. These medications and doctor visits take a real toll on me - physically & mentally. I'm so emotionally strung out. Getting pregnant and actually having a baby seems like nothing more than a far-fetched dream.
I have faith and truly believe that Austin and I will be parents. I know it will happen. I just wish I knew which path to take to get there.
We have a long road ahead of us if we invest and move forward with fertility treatments. For so many couples, even the most advanced procedures can fail.
We would both love to adopt and have the means to begin the process. But, we were asked to "exhaust all out fertility resources" before committing to adoption. If we choose to forego our fertility options and go with adoption, would I think back and wonder "what if..." What if we could have gotten pregnant and had a mini Austin look - alike? Or a chubby-cheeked, brunnette daughter like me?
Sometimes, I feel like it's a game. I know I'm impatient. I know I still "have time." We're young. "It'll happen." "You know, couples who adopt often end up getting pregnant right after." Thank you. I know you're trying to help. I've just heard these things hundreds of times.
Really, the one thing I want to hear is, "Congratulations. You have your baby."
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Timeline
For those of you wondering (also, just for the sake of documenting this), "fertility-wise," here is what's been going on...
November 2011 - We started "trying" ...or just stopped not trying.
February 2, 2012 - 4:30am, we had our first miscarriage.
March 2012 - I was prescribed birth control to help "re-regulate" my cycle.
April 2012 - Birth control done.
...we continued trying...
December 8, 2012 - about 2:00am, we had our second miscarriage.
January 2013 - I started anxiety medication, only to have my dosage increase... twice.
cue angelic voices, ringing through Austin's head
February 2013 - I started ADD/ADHD medication... "Like glasses for my brain."
April 2013 - Commence "eternal period" ... I know that's gross, but it's the truth. Heavy bleeding, clotting, the works.
May 2013 - I found a new OBGYN in Park City, exam results were "abnormal." I was told my miscarriages were probably not miscarriages... & that there was no sign I had been ovulating at all.
(late) May 2013 - I got a pelvic ultrasound, resulting in a hysteroscopy to remove a large polyp and "debris" from my uterus.
("eternal period" continues...)
June 2013 - After weeks of waiting, I was scheduled for ultrasound #2
(late) June 2013 - I went in for hysteroscopy #2 to remove several smaller polyps from the same area of my uterus.
(...misery did not cease for one day...)
August 2013 - After waiting a few more weeks for the bleeding to stop, I was prescribed 800 mg of ibuprofen 3 times each day for a week. No result.
September 2013 - I hate to say the "waiting" worked... But, BOOM! Home free!
November 2013 - ...just kidding. My periods were normal(ish). But, I wasn't ovulating. At all. Still.
(late) November 2013 - I was put on 50 mg of clomid, daily.
February 2014 - My dosage increased to 100 mg of clomid, daily.
(late) March 2014 - I found a new, better, cooler doctor. Midwife, actually. She's great. & you know what she said? "No more clomid."
May 2014 - Still no positive ovulation test. & OF ALL THINGS, all signs point toward "eternal period." Ugh.
(late) May 2014 - After "(probably) eternal period" for 3 weeks (& a few good pep talks), I called my doctors' office to get down to business. I told the nurse everything (twice) and have now been prescribed Provera (progesterone), along with an iron supplement. Each of them once daily. I'll take Provera for 10 days. I'll take the iron supplement for the foreseeable future.
Now this, in hopes it'll "flush me out" (her words, not mine) and end the bleeding. Through this new plan, I'll continue my Metformin. Once (if) the bleeding stops, I'll add 150 mg of Clomid to my Metformin prescription, which will hopefully get my cycles regular & help to start ovulation, making it possible for me to get pregnant.
BAM! This is it, right?! Well, that's what I've been told at just about every doctors appointment and multiple phonecalls with doctors, nurses, medical assistants. But, let's just hope this is it! eh?
I'll also mention that Austin has been on some fertility medications for about a month now. Hopefully his situation is a little more clear and understandable.
As of now, I've seen 3 OBGYNs, 1 midwife, 1 nurse practitioner, & worked closely with 3 nurses/medical assistants. If, after a few more months, this doesn't make any sense to anyone, we'll head over to Salt Lake to see a fertility specialist, who helps men and women.
Really, I just want to know what's going on. Answers would be great. But, so often, I've been told that "everything looks normal." Well, that doesn't help me much! I need someone to figure this out. I obviously can't.
In March, Austin and I attended an orientation meeting at LDS Family Services. We learned all the basics (and some not-so-basics) of adoption. Honestly, biological kids or not, we would love to adopt. I guess it's just a matter of time before we can figure out how to get our kids here.
We are so excited to be parents. I know it doesn't really matter how our children get to this earth... I just want them in our family. I'm so ready to have a home with little laughs and cries. Austin will be the most amazing dad. I really hope this timeline doesn't have to get much longer before we can add a new family member to our home.
Thank you, thank you to everyone who has listened to me whine and cry about this. Austin and I have had so much support over the past couple years. We're so grateful for the kindness we've received from friends, family, and medical staff. We have good days and bad days. I'm so grateful for the people who still love me after seeing me at my worst. We truly are blessed.
November 2011 - We started "trying" ...or just stopped not trying.
February 2, 2012 - 4:30am, we had our first miscarriage.
March 2012 - I was prescribed birth control to help "re-regulate" my cycle.
April 2012 - Birth control done.
...we continued trying...
December 8, 2012 - about 2:00am, we had our second miscarriage.
January 2013 - I started anxiety medication, only to have my dosage increase... twice.
cue angelic voices, ringing through Austin's head
February 2013 - I started ADD/ADHD medication... "Like glasses for my brain."
April 2013 - Commence "eternal period" ... I know that's gross, but it's the truth. Heavy bleeding, clotting, the works.
May 2013 - I found a new OBGYN in Park City, exam results were "abnormal." I was told my miscarriages were probably not miscarriages... & that there was no sign I had been ovulating at all.
(late) May 2013 - I got a pelvic ultrasound, resulting in a hysteroscopy to remove a large polyp and "debris" from my uterus.
("eternal period" continues...)
June 2013 - After weeks of waiting, I was scheduled for ultrasound #2
(late) June 2013 - I went in for hysteroscopy #2 to remove several smaller polyps from the same area of my uterus.
(...misery did not cease for one day...)
August 2013 - After waiting a few more weeks for the bleeding to stop, I was prescribed 800 mg of ibuprofen 3 times each day for a week. No result.
September 2013 - I hate to say the "waiting" worked... But, BOOM! Home free!
November 2013 - ...just kidding. My periods were normal(ish). But, I wasn't ovulating. At all. Still.
(late) November 2013 - I was put on 50 mg of clomid, daily.
February 2014 - My dosage increased to 100 mg of clomid, daily.
(late) March 2014 - I found a new, better, cooler doctor. Midwife, actually. She's great. & you know what she said? "No more clomid."
At my appointment: "Maybe PCOS" So, I had bloodwork done.April 2014 - I started Metformin, twice daily. Cool beans.
Phonecall: "Not PCOS" So, I went back in for an ultrasound on my ovaries.
Next appointment: "We'll go ahead and treat you for PCOS." hm. Ok. Whatever you say!
May 2014 - Still no positive ovulation test. & OF ALL THINGS, all signs point toward "eternal period." Ugh.
(late) May 2014 - After "(probably) eternal period" for 3 weeks (& a few good pep talks), I called my doctors' office to get down to business. I told the nurse everything (twice) and have now been prescribed Provera (progesterone), along with an iron supplement. Each of them once daily. I'll take Provera for 10 days. I'll take the iron supplement for the foreseeable future.
Now this, in hopes it'll "flush me out" (her words, not mine) and end the bleeding. Through this new plan, I'll continue my Metformin. Once (if) the bleeding stops, I'll add 150 mg of Clomid to my Metformin prescription, which will hopefully get my cycles regular & help to start ovulation, making it possible for me to get pregnant.
BAM! This is it, right?! Well, that's what I've been told at just about every doctors appointment and multiple phonecalls with doctors, nurses, medical assistants. But, let's just hope this is it! eh?
I'll also mention that Austin has been on some fertility medications for about a month now. Hopefully his situation is a little more clear and understandable.
As of now, I've seen 3 OBGYNs, 1 midwife, 1 nurse practitioner, & worked closely with 3 nurses/medical assistants. If, after a few more months, this doesn't make any sense to anyone, we'll head over to Salt Lake to see a fertility specialist, who helps men and women.
Really, I just want to know what's going on. Answers would be great. But, so often, I've been told that "everything looks normal." Well, that doesn't help me much! I need someone to figure this out. I obviously can't.
In March, Austin and I attended an orientation meeting at LDS Family Services. We learned all the basics (and some not-so-basics) of adoption. Honestly, biological kids or not, we would love to adopt. I guess it's just a matter of time before we can figure out how to get our kids here.
We are so excited to be parents. I know it doesn't really matter how our children get to this earth... I just want them in our family. I'm so ready to have a home with little laughs and cries. Austin will be the most amazing dad. I really hope this timeline doesn't have to get much longer before we can add a new family member to our home.
Thank you, thank you to everyone who has listened to me whine and cry about this. Austin and I have had so much support over the past couple years. We're so grateful for the kindness we've received from friends, family, and medical staff. We have good days and bad days. I'm so grateful for the people who still love me after seeing me at my worst. We truly are blessed.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
I've got it good
I want to become a better cook. I like using new foods & spices. I like baking. I feel like I'm a better "baker" that "cook." But, I'd like to get more creative.
I want to start gardening... but I have no land for a garden. I need to figure out what (useful plants) I can grow inside.
I want to get back in shape. The more I say it, the more embarrassed I am that I'm (still) not in good shape.
I want a house. I love where we live. The apartment is great. We really like our landlords. But, I want a space that's ours... for however long we want it to be ours. Maybe forever!
I want to have a baby to call my own. I want a reason to stay up late, get up early, and stock my house with fuzzy blankets. I want to spend all my time caring for my very own child. I want Austin and myself to witness the miracle. I want a little one to make us a not-quite-so-little family. I want two eyes looking at Austin. I want two little hands reaching for mom and dad. I want Doug to have someone to protect and look over. I don't know why things are the way they are...
BUT,
I'm so grateful I have Austin. He's incredible. So fun, creative, loving, patient, thoughtful, hardworking, and pretty cute, too. He's home to me. With him, I'm the most comfortable I could ever be. He makes me so much better. He smoothes out my flaws and highlights my talents. He makes me feel so good on my worst days. I'm so glad I get to laugh with him and cry with him. Together, we get to make mistakes and learn from them. There is no one else I'd rather grow old and spend eternity with.
I'm grateful for Doug. He's my sweet little boy. My furry, stinky, naughty, loyal, snuggly, adorable baby. He's there to snuggle at night and in the morning. He loves the everlasting game of fetch. He'll lie on my cold feet while I work at the desk and watch in confusion while the sewing machine roars. He'll never refuse a belly rub or scratch behind the ears. He sits still while I kiss him on the nose, then returns the gesture... sometimes too lovingly.
I'm grateful for our jobs. Our cars. Our bed. Our couches & TV. Our full kitchen. Our washer & dryer. Our running water & electricity. I'm grateful for windows that open wide every morning and evening. I'm grateful for the creek we have outside and the sound of its running water.
I'm grateful for our family. Each and every family member. I'm grateful for their love. I'm grateful for the love we can feel for them. I'm grateful for the memories I have from childhood, all the way up to present-day. I'm grateful for plans we have in the future, to gather again and make more memories.
I'm grateful for our friends. Near and far. New and old. I'm grateful for the relationships and support we have. I'm grateful for the generosity and hospitality they've always shown us. I'm grateful for the laughs and serious conversations that have brought us closer.
I'm grateful for the life lessons I've learned - and will continue to learn. I'm grateful for the friends, family members, and even strangers that have helped me grow. I'm grateful for second chances.
I'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for His atonement. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation. I'm grateful for modern-day leaders, as well as leaders from the past. I'm grateful for teachings and commandments. I'm grateful for support and understanding. I'm grateful for years and years of church attendance and activities. I'm grateful for the example of others. I'm grateful for kind words and gestures.
As much as I complain about how things could be better, I have so much to show gratitude for. Everyone does. I need to take the time to count my blessings more often. Life isn't really all that bad. It's good. "Reeeeally good."
I want to start gardening... but I have no land for a garden. I need to figure out what (useful plants) I can grow inside.
I want to get back in shape. The more I say it, the more embarrassed I am that I'm (still) not in good shape.
I want a house. I love where we live. The apartment is great. We really like our landlords. But, I want a space that's ours... for however long we want it to be ours. Maybe forever!
I want to have a baby to call my own. I want a reason to stay up late, get up early, and stock my house with fuzzy blankets. I want to spend all my time caring for my very own child. I want Austin and myself to witness the miracle. I want a little one to make us a not-quite-so-little family. I want two eyes looking at Austin. I want two little hands reaching for mom and dad. I want Doug to have someone to protect and look over. I don't know why things are the way they are...
BUT,
I'm so grateful I have Austin. He's incredible. So fun, creative, loving, patient, thoughtful, hardworking, and pretty cute, too. He's home to me. With him, I'm the most comfortable I could ever be. He makes me so much better. He smoothes out my flaws and highlights my talents. He makes me feel so good on my worst days. I'm so glad I get to laugh with him and cry with him. Together, we get to make mistakes and learn from them. There is no one else I'd rather grow old and spend eternity with.
I'm grateful for Doug. He's my sweet little boy. My furry, stinky, naughty, loyal, snuggly, adorable baby. He's there to snuggle at night and in the morning. He loves the everlasting game of fetch. He'll lie on my cold feet while I work at the desk and watch in confusion while the sewing machine roars. He'll never refuse a belly rub or scratch behind the ears. He sits still while I kiss him on the nose, then returns the gesture... sometimes too lovingly.
I'm grateful for our jobs. Our cars. Our bed. Our couches & TV. Our full kitchen. Our washer & dryer. Our running water & electricity. I'm grateful for windows that open wide every morning and evening. I'm grateful for the creek we have outside and the sound of its running water.
I'm grateful for our family. Each and every family member. I'm grateful for their love. I'm grateful for the love we can feel for them. I'm grateful for the memories I have from childhood, all the way up to present-day. I'm grateful for plans we have in the future, to gather again and make more memories.
I'm grateful for our friends. Near and far. New and old. I'm grateful for the relationships and support we have. I'm grateful for the generosity and hospitality they've always shown us. I'm grateful for the laughs and serious conversations that have brought us closer.
I'm grateful for the life lessons I've learned - and will continue to learn. I'm grateful for the friends, family members, and even strangers that have helped me grow. I'm grateful for second chances.
I'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for His atonement. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation. I'm grateful for modern-day leaders, as well as leaders from the past. I'm grateful for teachings and commandments. I'm grateful for support and understanding. I'm grateful for years and years of church attendance and activities. I'm grateful for the example of others. I'm grateful for kind words and gestures.
As much as I complain about how things could be better, I have so much to show gratitude for. Everyone does. I need to take the time to count my blessings more often. Life isn't really all that bad. It's good. "Reeeeally good."
Thursday, April 3, 2014
The littles
Today, I'm especially grateful for my job. I work as a nanny for (mainly) two families in Heber. I've tended for other families in the past and still hold a special place in my heart for each of those kids. I'm so blessed to get to know and care for these children. They're really a blessing in my life and I really appreciate their parents letting me into their lives. I've grown in ways I didn't know I even could.
I focused on the kids I knew. I gave all my love to my nieces and nephews. I really appreciate my siblings and their love for their family. I've learned so much from the example my family members have set. I love all the little ones in my family. I'm so blessed to have seen them grow and reach potential we could all see from early on. I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm excited to continue being a part of their lives and watching them grow forever.
When I realized I could never have a desk job (because I hated it so much), I considered going back to work as a waitress. I LOVED being a waitress (or server - whichever you prefer). The work I did was fun, I was moving, talking to a lot of different people, staying busy, staying happy, it was great! I just didn't love giving up my mealtimes and holidays. I didn't like being at work during the dinner rush and missing dinner with Austin (or just missing dinner, in general). I wasn't willing to give up my holidays again, either. So, that ruled out restaurant/hospitality/retail...
So, I figured I've give nannying a shot. I looked online and started a care.com profile. But, before I even got my name out, I had people asking - just from hearing by word of mouth. I started nannying part-time. I had two families to begin with. That grew to three families and MORE than full time. I'm talking 40 - 45 hours/week on average. Which was great... but, really tiring.
Over the past few months, I've had to make a few changes and here I am. I love all the kids I've gotten to know. They've not only filled my heart, but they've made it grow! I've realized how I can never run out of room in my heart. I will never run out of energy to love. The thing I love most about children is how loving and selfless they are. They don't even know me in the beginning. How are they supposed to know I'll take care of them? For whatever reason, they do. They trust me and love me.
I used to worry about investing too much of myself into children outside my family or direct circle of friends. I wanted to save all my love for my own kids. As if I'd run out one day. Ever since Austin and I got married (well, since a lot earlier in life than that), I've wanted to be a young mama. I've mentioned that before. I planned to be a mom a lot sooner than now. I planned on us being parents and living that life. When it didn't happen, and continued to not happen, I turned elsewhere.
I focused on the kids I knew. I gave all my love to my nieces and nephews. I really appreciate my siblings and their love for their family. I've learned so much from the example my family members have set. I love all the little ones in my family. I'm so blessed to have seen them grow and reach potential we could all see from early on. I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm excited to continue being a part of their lives and watching them grow forever.
When I realized I could never have a desk job (because I hated it so much), I considered going back to work as a waitress. I LOVED being a waitress (or server - whichever you prefer). The work I did was fun, I was moving, talking to a lot of different people, staying busy, staying happy, it was great! I just didn't love giving up my mealtimes and holidays. I didn't like being at work during the dinner rush and missing dinner with Austin (or just missing dinner, in general). I wasn't willing to give up my holidays again, either. So, that ruled out restaurant/hospitality/retail...
So, I figured I've give nannying a shot. I looked online and started a care.com profile. But, before I even got my name out, I had people asking - just from hearing by word of mouth. I started nannying part-time. I had two families to begin with. That grew to three families and MORE than full time. I'm talking 40 - 45 hours/week on average. Which was great... but, really tiring.
Over the past few months, I've had to make a few changes and here I am. I love all the kids I've gotten to know. They've not only filled my heart, but they've made it grow! I've realized how I can never run out of room in my heart. I will never run out of energy to love. The thing I love most about children is how loving and selfless they are. They don't even know me in the beginning. How are they supposed to know I'll take care of them? For whatever reason, they do. They trust me and love me.
This world is not made for the little ones. This world is so big and harsh and confusing. It's a scary world. But, they face it head-on with eyes wide. They're really brave & their brave is really big. I'm so blessed to have their little eyes looking up at me. I'm blessed to have their little hands reach for me. I'm so blessed to have their little smiles beaming at me. I always learn more from them than they could learn from me.
Today, I'm so grateful for the children. These kids help me grow. They're so welcoming and fun and curious. They want to help me with what I'm doing. They want to play with me and snuggle me. They want to show me what they've done and tell me what they know. They're making memories and they don't even realize it.
If you think back to babysitters from your childhood and adults you remember, it's the people that paid real attention to you that you'll always remember. The adults that showed you love when you were so little. I remember the babysitters that helped me and taught me. How lucky am I to have that chance? I could be in their memories forever. This is my opportunity to help mold these little ones. Really, they started molding me on day one.
What I've come to realize is that these children have saved me. I mean, I don't know that there ever came a time when I needed saving. But, because I've had love in my life, I'm lucky enough to never have gotten to that point. I've had highs and lows. We all have. These little ones have found a place in my heart and given me happiness I didn't know I needed. I've learned to love in different ways. I've really grown a lot.
It's still hard to me to wake up early in the morning and leave my own home. We have Doug, who we either leave home or take to daycare. Austin usually beats me home in the evening, even after his commute. But, the small sacrifices I make to be here can't compare to the return I get. & I mean more than just getting paid ;) Although, that is a nice bonus.
I'm learning to be a mama. These kids have the greatest parents. I get to be in these wonderful homes full of love and support for one another. These parents work HARD. Their homes are beautiful. Their kids are incredible. I wish I had more to offer! But, I know whose example I'm going to follow. I know what I do and don't want to do when I have a house full of little feet running around.
So, thank you to everyone who has been so helpful, friendly, supportive, and kind. I'll do my part to pass it along to all the littles I know. Then, one day, they'll grow up strong, confident, caring, and kind - just like they were taught to be.
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