Bless the mess and the stress

Most of my posts are basically made up of my pent-up feelings. I use my blog as a much-needed outlet. I really appreciate everyone being so kind and understanding. I'm sure there are so many comments and so much advice you could all give me. I really appreciate your wise judgement in knowing when to (& when not to) share those thoughts. We all know have sensitive I am ;)

That being said, here's another one of those posts. 

I feel like I'm on a continuous mission to simplify my life. I focus on letting go of one thing, turn around, and realize this other "stress" or "source of anxiety" is basically eating me alive. I'm sure everyone experiences this - to a certain degree. 

But, I feel like I'm in over my head. When did life get so busy & complicated? I mean, aside from everything I need to get done at home (laundry, pick up, deep clean, organize, maintain, cook, grocery shop, & all the panning that goes into everything), then there's work - for both Austin & myself, taking care of Doug keeping up with friends & family, church calling, doctor appointments (which are most likely outside the valley because no one takes my insurance), I'm not even going to try to finish this long list. Then, don't even get me started on the ridiculous things most of us (somehow) feel obligated to do... Like, Facebook or Instagram, get-togethers with all different friends and family members - even at the most inconvenient times, church and community functions...  All of which eat into "non-mandatory" but more important things we all "have the intention" of doing, like family dinners, quality date nights, relaxing/meditation time, exercising, making phone calls to catch up with loved ones... I mean, man! & (as if I need to be reminded) I don't even have kids yet!

Austin and I have deemed this "our year" and I really want to make it that. I want to focus on what's important. We want to continue to grow and improve our relationship. We want to make a ton of memories and make sure each other feels loved.

So, that's that. If you feel like I disappear or a while, that means I'm doing my job. BUT, I don't want to bail on anyone... Or seem like I've lost interest. I love ALL my friends and family. But, I need to declutter my life. I need to organize and sort out my priorities. I need to spend my down time at home and learn to say no to extra "clutter."

Most of all, I need to give Austin more quality time and attention. I mean, we see each other a lot. We talk about almost everything. But, I don't feel like we get each other's best. We have each other rushing around (or still asleep) in the morning and worn out in the evening. He's my one. He deserves my energy. I'm glad he still loves me after seeing so much of my worst. But, I'm ready to share all the good I can with the #1 person in my life. I'm ready to bring our marriage to the next level.

I'm sick of wasting time. I don't want to live "ok" days anymore. I want each one to be a good, fulfilling breath of fresh air. I want to do what I love and learn to love more.

So, here's to appreciating what's most important. Here's to living life to the maximum "good" we can - every single day.

"Work" Trip

Austin left his job at Vivint Solar last fall for work at Summit Engineering (in Heber). He loved Vivint Solar - the work he did, the people he worked with, and the company, in general. But, he couldn't say no to a pay raise. Plus, Summit is in the same valley we live in... and he'd worked for them before so it was an easy transition. He stayed for about 6 months before Vivint Solar came to him with an offer he couldn't refuse.
We really thought about it a lot - not wanting to keep bouncing back and forth. But, when it came down to it, this position at Vivint Solar would be another pay raise, there is a better chance for progression within the company, and he's really passionate about the work he does there. He'll be working with the same office he worked with last year (out of San Diego), but the work load has totally increased - which is why they sought him out. They needed someone with experience, who they could count on to get things done. That's my Austin.

So, he started at Vivint Solar on March 3rd, the very same day they asked him to take a two-week trip to their San Diego office to do some hiring and training. No biggie. "We'll pay for Molly to go, too. We'll fly you out, put you up in a hotel near the office, and reimburse you for meals & other expenses." Austin didn't think twice before deciding to go. But, I nanny! I have multiple families counting on me and two weeks is a long time. But, it was a free vacation, so... I went.
It was a total scramble to get everything ready to go. We didn't get the "go-ahead" (like, reassurance that we're really going) until Wednesday. I had to help find people to cover tending for me, figure out what to do with Doug, pack for the whole trip, get rid of all our perishable food, and basically wrap my mind around being gone for half a month. But, we did it!

Instead of flying, we decided to just drive down. It was only about a 10 hour drive. We wouldn't have to worry about Doug on a plane, we wouldn't have to pack as light, and we'd have our own car. Looking back, I'm so glad we drove. I think Austin is too, aside from the fact that I went full monty with my suitcase. Biggest one we have. Filled to the brim. Did I even wear half the clothes I brought? Probably not. Were there instances where I wished I'd brought something I didn't? Of course! What can ya do ;)
We left Friday evening and stayed the night in St. George. Doug was totally out of his element and thank goodness we brought his kennel (which we never use)! We had to lock him up in the kennel inside our hotel to keep him from running at the door and barking at every noise he heard. He's such a good boy, but I have to remember he's still a puppy! We tied a little leash to the headrest in the back seat of the car so we could harness him in back there. Otherwise, we would not leave the Austin's lap. He has to sit there, his back towards me looking out the window... the whole time. I think I have a picture of it I'll post in a little bit. He's such a weird dog.

The drive from St. George wasn't as long and boring as I thought it would be. Before the trip, I bought a pack of embroidery floss and a book, teaching me how to make bracelets. Hello, 4th grade! haha. I made Austin one, which he is still wearing, then myself, Polly, Hazel, Bruce, Erin, and now Paige wants one, too. We're kind of legit in our little bracelet club.

On Saturday, we checked into the La Quinta Inn in Poway, just 20 or 30 minutes north of San Diego. The hotel was (to my relief) not bad at all! The area is so nice! It felt a little like Orem - or Provo without BYU. Busy enough, but a good size smaller than most cities in the area. Doug took a little while to warm up to the room, not knowing it would be his home for the next two weeks. We put him in his kennel for the first night, but after that, he realized no one was trying to attack him... so, he calmed way down.

Day 1. For those who missed it (no one) I posted an instagram of us holding up the day number... every day :)

There were a few really yummy restaurants close to us. Our first night, we went to Mi Rancheritos, a Mexican food place right across the street. They, for some reason, treated us like royalty. We scored a free appetizer and dessert. Then, they let us choose what to watch on the mounted TV in the dining room. So weird. Maybe we looked lost or homeless or something. But, it paid off!

On Sunday, we slept in FAR too late. We missed church, and half the day, really. It was a time change AND daylight savings... so, it really threw me off. We made a quick run to Target to get some food and necessities. Then, since we had nothing better to do, we drove down to Dog Beach. It was so funny seeing Doug react to the water. He basically hated it. Since he's so little, the tide was pretty overwhelming to him. Austin ended up holding him and walking out on the water. That ended when Doug climbed up on Austin's shoulders to get far enough away from the unknown. Doug was more interested in the other dogs there, anyway. I wish we felt ok letting him off the leash. But, he's so curious, I know he'd probably just make a run for it and we'd never see him again. So, I'm that controlling mama.

Day 2. Not a peace sign. Or, sure. It's a peace sign. 

Doug was basically begging to be held. Such a wuss ;)

Thanks, hippie lady, for taking a picture.

On Monday, Austin had his first day of work. He took off around 8am and I... slept in, watched a TV show, and got ready. When he got back, we took Doug and went for a drive, just to see the area. It was SO pretty. Everything is so green. There are so many different kinds of trees and plants. Of course, palm trees everywhere. I love that it's all rolling hills - even through town. Gorgeous. We decided to just get Chinese take-out and eat at the hotel. While we waited for our food, we walked to a nearby pet store to grab some more food for Dougie. When we were checking out, they gave us four ziplock baggies PACKED full of food samples... One of those baggies would last Doug 2 or 3 days. So, I guess we didn't really need to buy that food after all. haha.

On Tuesday, I took Austin to work and ran to Target. I picked up some play food & bottles for Hazel's babydoll and a cute little outfit for her. Her 2nd birthday was on the 14th (that Friday) so, I grabbed a card to mail her. I talked to Paige while I was there, which was so nice because I'm used to see her everyday, but had to hang up before I drove off. Stinkin' California and their law against talking on the phone in the car. That's when I always talk on the phone! I went home, got ready, and picked Austin up to head straight to the Farmer's Market in Escondido, about 20 minutes north of Poway. We just left Doug in the hotel room to play with his toys and hunt for treats I hid all over. At the Farmer's Market, we picked up some fresh strawberries, banana bread, hot sauce, and homemade bath soaps. We headed to La Jolla, still sight-seeing, and stopped at Islands Bar & Grill for the best BBQ burger I've ever had - ever. Plus, we had a perfect side-view of the temple while we ate. After dinner, we drove toward the coast, past inSANE multimillion-dollar homes and caught a crazy view of the beach from up high. We found a pretty, low-key beach where we walked and watched the sunset. I loved the cool sea breeze. It was seriously so nice. I wish we'd made it back there one more time.

Weeeeird angle. But, the temple is so pretty.

Is this not gorgeous? I'm not a "beach" or "ocean" person... but, you can't deny that's a good view.

Shadowy faces at sunset

Wednesday was pretty relaxing. Austin worked "on the go" so we could spend more time together. We took Doug in to get groomed for the first time! Then we ran errands, hung out by the pool, and ate at Mi Rancheritos again. It wasn't as good the second time. Maybe because we didn't get any free food... But, we took Doug with us and talked to the nicest people about their dogs & just visited. I loved being able to eat out on the patio in the nice weather.

Dougie says "Day 5"

Pool time

On Thursday, Austin took the car to work so I just stayed at the hotel most of the day. I played with Doug, got things done on the computer (budget, house hunting - in my dreams, and planned the rest of the trip). Austin came home early, as I was headed out to the pool. He came with me and we just relaxed. Then, we went to a little "mom and pop" Italian place in Poway. It was really good - aside from their calamari NOT being breaded like I was expecting. The slimey little aliens ruined my meal a little.

Friday was probably my favorite day. Austin got off work early again so we headed downtown with lots of time to spare. We drove around a little, ate at El Indio's (seriously, SO good), and after seeing a sign for the Mormon Battalion Museum, headed to Old Town. We did the museum tour, which was actually pretty cool. I'd never learned all that much about the Mormon Battalion, so that was interesting to me! We took Doug around some outdoor shops and picked out a few souvenirs. I really think that is my best memory from the trip. I even talked to Erin and my mom a little on the phone, too.

Best fish tacos in the land

Complimentary photo from the Mormon Battalion museum.
The sister missionary told Austin to shrink down so his head wouldn't be cut off. 

On Saturday, we got up and drove down to the temple. What a great experience! Maybe this was my favorite memory... We did a session and spent time looking around the rooms inside. They have amazing skylights and it's all so beautiful! I mean, the Provo temple is amazing. But, wow. The San Diego temple is breathtaking. We went back to the hotel to check on Doug and made a run to the grocery store. We were both so sick of eating out (well, we still are), so we grabbed the closed thing to "homemade" food we could find... and ice cream. Turns out, the little freezer in our mini fridge didn't work...as a freezer. I was too full to have any sweets that night... so, my ice cream (really, frozen yogurt) turned to goop. Gross.

"Can you get the whole temple in the picture from this close, or should we move farther away?"
"Oh, I can get it! It looks great!"
....

No good selfie

On Sunday, we did more planning, watched a movie, and laid by the pool. It was so nice just to relax and not have to be anywhere. I loved the weekend because I had Austin all to myself! haha. So selfish. Plus, it was hard leaving Doug when we went non-pet-friendly places. So, I liked just being there and, as weird as it sounds, being able to pick up, clean, and organize the hotel room. It's a small space for two people and a dog to live in for two weeks without letting it get messy!

On Monday, Austin ended up staying at work a little long so we got a late start to our "activities." We wanted to make it to the Point Loma tide pools, which we did - but, only for a half hour or so before the park closed. At least we got to take Doug, which was fun. He was still scared of the water... and everything else. He's such a cute little boy. The tide pools were really cool, though. I wish we'd been able to stay longer so we could go on the little hike/walk and take it all in. It was fun to see the lighthouse and all the ships and fishing boats out on the water. Man, the views from the beach are just crazy.

The cliffside was one place Doug didn't seem afraid of the water. Maybe he has no depth perception.

Tuesday was a lot of fun. I took Austin to work, ran to Target (again... seriously, I love Target), met Austin for lunch at Five Guys, picked him up after work and went (again) to the Farmer's Market in Escondido, where we had the best BBQ. Yum. Afterwards, we drove up to San Clemente, walked on the beach for a while, got some pictures taken, and drove back down the coast. Those are the kinds of things I loved. Just doing all the local things.

We were lucky enough to find someone with a photography passion.
This basically turned into a photoshoot... on my iphone.

As we were walking away, she yelled to stop us, came and grabbed my phone again,
and insisted on taking pictures of us walking like this.
"It was too cute to pass up!"
She was so funny and so nice!

On Wednesday, we drove back downtown to Balboa. Walking around the heart of Balboa Park was a blast. We talked to so many people, mostly because they wanted to see Doug... but, we had a lot of fun just taking it easy and snapping pictures. I think I had to mass delete pictures from my phone 5 or 6 times. It kept filling up! Most of the restaurants were closed by the time we got there. Bummer. We drove over to go to Blue Water Grill, but it was SO crowded, so we went next door to Indio's again (fine with us!) where we met even more nice people! Holy cow. I love the San Diego area.

afternoon shadows in Balboa

my honey lookin fine

We mostly stopped here to get away from a chatty wanna-be comedian.
It turned out to be a good photo-op, too.

Austin loved this cactus near the rose garden. He said it looked like a big ball of churros. mmm.

We waiting for the tram to come pick us up for about 20 minutes before the only other couple waiting there realized the tram stopped almost an hour prior. Dangit! At least it was a fun walk back to our car.

Thursday was our last day. Austin was done with work so we made one last stop at the USS Midway Museum. And, by "museum," I mean the actual aircraft carrier. It was so cool to walk around the entire ship and hear about all the planes, how they took off and landed, and what everyone's job was on the carrier. Austin was like a kid in a candy store. And, coming from someone who is deathly afraid of open water, it was pretty cool. Although, when we walked down into the "brig," I got a little nervous.

I mean, it doesn't look as big as it really was here. 

This is about as close as I ever want to be to the water. Actually, this is closer. 

Ok. This makes it look narrow. The deck was HUGE.

Master navigator

Messin' up all the signals & stuff...

Captain's quarters... like a boss.

And that was it! We headed from downtown San Diego  to St. George, stayed in the same Super 8 we stayed at on the way down, and made it home by noon on Friday. So crazy! While we were there, it felt like the trip could last forever (which was a good thing), but now that we're home, it was a total whirlwind! I can't believe March is almost over.

This is what a good majority of the trip home looked like. Either this or me, with my feet up, sleeping like a slob.
See what I mean about Doug? He stays like that until someone moves him. Then, he'll go right back.

Sidenote: Austin says he's planning the best birthday ever for me. This Friday. Don't forget, everyone ;)

But, the trip was so fun. I wouldn't be too disappointed if we had to move down there. Well, I would miss friends and family a little too much. But, it really is such a great around. I wasn't thrilled about it. I don't love being hot. But, I wasn't (granted, it was only March). It was in the mid-high 70's/low 80's the whole time. Everyone was so nice.
So, thanks to Vivint Solar for the perfect excuse to vacation for a while! Now, it's back to reality.

PS - People seem to ask a lot... So, for those who don't know, Vivint Solar is a "sister company" to Vivint. Vivint does alarm systems and home automation. Vivint Solar installs solar panels, residentially. Austin works with the CAD team, designing the solar panel systems that homeowners will have installed. He has to monitor things like their electrical system size & how much it can handle, where the panels will get the most sunlight on the roof, and the household electrical usage. Preeeetty cool.

The reality of our unfortunate circumstance

Let me just start by saying, "I'm not mad."

I'm not mad when I find out someone else's good news. Is it human to immediately envy others with blessings you may not have? Well, yeah. I'm not mad when I scroll down my Facebook newsfeed to find 3 more of my friends are pregnant. Why on earth would I deny any one of my friends the love I can give them? Along with that, why would I harden my own heart and do myself the disservice of feeling hate? I'm not mad when I feel left behind. Frustrated, discouraged, disheartened... maybe. But, those are my own feelings to figure out. I know I'm not literally being left behind. Life is not a race. I know that. There is no competition between any two people. I'm not mad when I get to hold a brand new baby, knowing it may be much longer than I thought until I hold one of my own. I'm not mad that Austin and I are struggling with such a huge part of our lives.

I'm blessed to have Austin to help me through this - and for the chance I have to help him. I hope I never take him for granted. I love him so much. He is my rock. When I breakdown, and I mean break-DOWN, he's there for me like no one else could be. It's a miracle we found each other. Our relationship is so precious. We promised, "forever." And I meant it.

Austin and I are so blessing with such loving, supportive friends and family. I didn't know friends could be so essential in life. I've always known my family is great. I mean, duh. (jk) (not jk) My parents tell us they got lucky - not only loving us (their kids), but really liking us, too. phew! & I know that's not the case with every family. I think that's really a shame. It's not any one person's fault. If there is one thing I've learned about people, it's that you can't control them. I don't mean in a robotic, "do my bidding" kind of way. But, people break you. They'll tear you down in the sneakiest ways. But, then there are the people who build you back up. They make it seem like it's their one job on this earth because they're so darn good at it. Those selfless, caring, understanding people are the ones I couldn't live without.


Yesterday, I went to my first appointment with my new doctor (well, midwife). Maybe she was just having a super day, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt - she's awesome. I felt like a real individual. She was so patient, never made me feel rushed, and took the time to explain everything in detail.

THANK YOU.

Long story short, she told me she's almost positive I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). Yeesh.

I mean, I'm relieved to finally have answers. It really explains a lot... and, let's face it, it could be a lot worse. But, I'm not necessarily jumping for joy. It's still not great news.

Recap: Austin and I have been "trying" since November of 2011. We got married the June before that and BOOM, baby hunger hit. I've always loved kids (some more than others). I've always wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted to be a young mom and enjoy as much as my posterity's lives as possible. But, I know there are just some things you can't control. It really stinks this has to be one of them, though.

Ok. Fast forward. Today. Austin's sister, Joy, who is a year younger than me, is in labor ...like, right now. As I'm typing this, she is in the hospital, ready to hold her little boy, baby #1. My in-laws' first grandbaby. So, I'm totally bitter and never want to see her baby. JK! I can't WAIT to meet her baby. I'm so happy she doesn't have to wait any longer! - not as long as I have and not as long as others have. I've been waiting for just over 2 years, so far. I can't imagine waiting 5, 6, 8, 10 years! I don't think Austin can imagine me waiting that long either... he's so patient with me...

What I really want to say is that... I'm not broken. I'm not withering away. Do I appreciate sensitivity? chYEAH. Do I want to drag this "elephant in the room" wherever I go? No way. On a scale of 1 - 10, talking about pregnancy (especially in groups of people) ranks at about a 2. If I bring it up one-on-one, that's another story. I want to have a good relationship with the people I love, including pregnant people I love - sisters, friends, cousins, aunts, etc. I want to feel the baby kick. I want to know how they're feeling. I want to talk about their plans for the baby. Do I want everyone in the room waiting to see my reaction to their announcement? Definitely not. Am I demanding a pity party because I'm struggling? Of course not! The last thing I want anyone thinking is, "poor Molly" ...because I know you all are ;)

WHAT I WANT... is for someone to talk to me. What I want is to not feel so alone. I don't want to feel like an outsider. I want to be part of the fun and excitement. But, it's hard. I also want to run 10 miles. Am I in shape to do that? Big nope. So, when I want to be part of the "pregnancy talk," I can only push myself so far. I'm not in good shape yet. But, I'm working on it. I'm exercising my emotional strength. So, while I'm feeling "out of shape" and left behind, some company would be nice.

I know infertility isn't really fun to talk about. I appreciate so much when someone asks me for an update. Sometimes, I don't have a lot to say. I haven't really known a lot until now. But, just knowing that person cares enough to ask... that fills my heart right up. I feel so loved. I know it's a lot more exciting to talk about a baby growing, their due date, picking out baby clothes, baby names, funny pregnancy stories. pff! I'm right there with ya. Trust me, if I had the choice, I'd choose to be pregnant before where I am now... Sadly, there's not all that much I can do about that. I'm figuring it out.

But, next time I seem down or like I'm not feeling well, please give me the benefit of the doubt. I don't have morning sickness to blame it on. I don't have back pain and muscle cramps because I'm carrying a small person. But, I do have a crap ton of hormones surging through my body. I'm taking different pills and trying to balance my psycho "insides." The emotional baggage I carry makes me so tired. I'm trying to work out my anxieties and depression. I take medication to help me focus and complete tasks. I mean, I'm kind of a wreck!

I try to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. Being an outsider or the minority or the "charity case" is never fun. It's way more fun when you "fit right in." I promise, on my harder days, to take a deep breath and remember to smile. I promise to try my best to push myself as far as I can. One day, I'll be in such great shape.

Now, more than ever, I need support. I mean, what I really need are answers from my doctor.... and we're working on that. I don't know how long the road ahead may be. I'm so relieved to have Austin by my side. I know we'll have plenty of trials as we go through life. This isn't the end. We're still in our beginning. One way or another, it'll work out and all will be juuusst fine. Until then, we'll just keep on keepin' on.

So, I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I don't hate anyone. I do think some people are more tactful than others... but, that's not the point. Despite the struggles we may have, I feel so blessed. We have a lot to be grateful for. After all, our blessings and the joy we get from the "good days" are what keep us going.

2014 Resolutions and, better yet, conclusions

So, I have my fair share of goals I'd like to reach this year.

Financial. Savings, budget, and work-related.

Spiritual. Prayer, studies, and daily habits.

Personal. Emotional, physical, and mental health.

Social. My husband, family, friends, and even strangers.

I could go on.

But, also important to me are the conclusions I've come to. What am I going to move past and leave behind? What will I look back on from 2013 and decide to go without?

Guilt. I don't want to worry anymore about things I cannot re-do, control, or fix. I want to be a good person. I will absolutely make amends in any way I can. But, if I feel one way and worry that someone else disagrees or will judge me for it, well... so what. I will learn all I can, be as aware and sensitive as I can, make informed decisions, and at the end of the day, that's that.

I spend far too much time worrying about others in a way I shouldn't have to. I have so much anxiety running through my brain and down through my toes. I shouldn't have to take medicine to make me feel better about things I can easily rid my life of.


Jealousy. I think about what I can do to change my current state. "How can I have a cuter house?" "I should dress more like her." Why do my trials, flaws, and things I can't control have to feel like inferiorities? As I'm sure you know, Austin and I have been trying to start a family for over 2 years now. It's been so hard and so frustrating. We've been to a few different doctors and after looking into several different possibilities, sometimes their answer is, "I just don't know. Everything looks fine." We've prayed and know we'll have a family in the Lord's time. Sadly, that doesn't magically make it easy.

I don't ever want my jealousy to grow into resentment. I don't want someone else's blessing of having a baby to make me feel any worse about myself. How could I blame anyone for something they can't control? How do I know they weren't trying for a long time, too? They can't help that we can't get pregnant. Their happiness really has nothing to do with mine.

I get very jealous. But, I also have a very good life. I have such a loving, supportive husband. I know we have a lot to work on and we are by no means perfect. But, I do believe we're pretty perfect for each other. We have a nice, secure home to live in. We have a puppy who looks to us with his big, brown eyes and gives us his whole heart. We both have such supportive, understanding families that love us despite our faults. We really have so much to be thankful for.


Judgement. I mean, come on. We're all human. Everyone looks at another person and makes a judgement about them. Whether it be good or bad... it's still not fair. It's not ok. We may not have any idea of what that person is going through. We might think we do. But, we're not in their brain. We don't know.

I need to focus more on my own actions (and thoughts, apparently). What can I do to better myself? What should I be taking the time to work on - instead of "casting stones" at others? Do I really think pretending I know how someone else should act makes me a better person? It doesn't even stop at petty, little things. I question why someone did this... or how they could say that. Who am I to judge?

This is one thing I really admire about my mother-in-law. She is so kind and always gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. We may not feel comfortable giving all the details as to why we can't make it to... a family dinner, for instance. But, without hesitation, she makes us feel so great about taking care of ourselves. She tells us not worry about a thing, she completely understands, and loves us so much. What an incredible reaction! She's an angel.


Trust (well, Distrust, rather). I always thought I was a trusting person. I saw myself as open-minded, understanding, and welcoming to others. Now that I'm realizing that's not the case, I've become so disheartened by the way others must actually see me. Looking back, I really haven't given some people the benefit of the doubt.

The hardest thing for me is not having a lack of trust, but giving someone my trust who I don't feel has earned it. In the past, I trusted others unless they'd given me a reason not to. Lately, I've found myself leery of those I don't know or understand. It's not like I've actually been wronged by a certain person, but I just don't understand their actions. So, in certain circumstances (and even just in general), I find it hard to put my trust and confidence in them. It's almost as if I'm too suspicious they may hurt or offend me. So, I jump ahead to feeling resentful when nothing has even happened. How can I build a relationship in the midst of all that?

This is a real trial for me. I don't even fully understand it. I mean, it's not like I feel this way about a lot of people. I don't even need one whole hand to count all the people I struggle letting "in." But, even having issues with one person gives me the worst feeling. Then, I stew about it, the guilt comes into play, and you can see how this vicious cycle comes about. I haven't figured out quite how to move past it. I've realized that my own feelings of self-doubt are probably feeding my distrust. Man oh man. My insecurities sometimes (too many times) get the best of me.

Ok, next...


Laziness. I've looked at the side effects of the medicines I take and you'll never guess what they all have in common. Fatigue. Drowsiness. Low Energy. & also... Chronic Trouble Sleeping. Feeling Restless. One of them even lists "Yawning." Whaa? Right now, I'm thinking over the idea of the "benefit outweighing the risk/side effects." heh.

But, I want to live a happy, productive life. I don't think I'm straight-up lazy. I do think I have a hard time staying motivated - especially if it isn't something I'm necessarily passionate about. I love taking care of children. So, I love my job. Being a nanny is fun, fulfilling, and rewarding. I love taking care of Austin. I love sewing and doing crafts. I even love cleaning and organizing. Do I ever get tired of some of these things? Yes. Quite. I've been in such a rut lately. I'm going to stop making excuses.


I mean, you guys... I have a lot to work on. This list could continue on forever. Like I said, I've been in a rut lately. I've just gotten so discouraged. I've become so used to feeling down. Sometimes I get caught up in the whirlwind of life and forget what's most important. I need to remember who I am and continue working toward who I want to be.

I need to remember that I'm never alone. I'm going to take time for myself. I'm excited to strengthen my relationship with my Savior, my husband, and all my loved ones. I'll get to know myself better. I'm going to rid my life of unnecessary drama and chaos so there is more room for happiness and feelings of self-worth.

Austin and I have decided to make this year a year for "us." We're going to focus on our life together. We're making plans and preparing for what's to come. We will use this as a pivotal point to cater to each other's emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health.

So, come what may. I don't want to forget the lessons I've learned in the past. 2013 was a really, really hard year - but, it was also pretty insightful. Hindsight, right?

Here's to 2014.

December One

Can I just SAY

I'm pumped about my calling. I'll be teaching the 16 year old Sunday School class. I was all jazzed for today. I prepared my lesson, finished getting ready for church 2+ hours early (Note: we have a 1:00 ward), used my spare time to make my lesson even COOLer, & even left Sacrament Meeting during the closing song to make sure I knew which classroom I was in.

I get there, almost start setting up (but, figured I'd wait to make sure it really WAS the right room) & only one girl walks in. I find out that the other teacher (we team-teach, switching off months), who I have only spoken to over the phone, has been letting them all go to another class since ours is so small. Slacker. We (technically) have 6 kids in the class but only a couple come each week - three, if they're lucky. So... yeah.

The other teacher pops her head in, looks at (but does not speak to) me, says something inside-joke-ish to the girl, smiles at her, then rolls her eyes, saying "This is so weird! You should just go to their class!" pointing past me. I'm guessing that's the 15 year olds.

So, wait. What?

I mean... I guess I agree. I don't wanna just teach the one girl. That's always weird. But, let's at least talk about it. This isn't even her month.

(Let me note that she has been a leader in Young Womens' & has had this calling for quite a while now. She has 2 or 3 kids of her own. I mean, she's got to be in her 30's... yet, shows no sign of responsibility or real leadership)

I turn around and slide open the wall/partition separating us from the other class. We only see two kids, quietly sitting in their chairs. Solution? This slacker team-teacher of mine basically forces our one girl in there.

...

A boy, pupil number two, walks in to my classroom (thankyouverymuch) and, after being haggled by my irritating counterpart, tells her he's sure he's supposed to be in our class. She's like, "Wahh?! No way! How old are you?" Yep. He's 16. At this point, it's just stupid how hard she's trying to dodge teaching this class - aaand I don't even understand why she's involving herself. 'member? It's my month. Over the phone, she told me she would just go to Gospel Doctrine. & that was fine by me.

(All along, no one pays any attention to what I'm saying. HELLO? I thought I was the teacher... Am I too short? I feel short.)

So, I turn around and an older man is now asking her (my nemesis) if he can sit in on her (my) class today. Apparently, he's in the Sunday School presidency. She's whining like a 13 year old girl, saying how annoyed she is that we don't have a bigger class. "It's too hard for her to teach only a few kids. It's easier with 6 or 7." He's nodding his head, reassuring her, telling her that what she is saying makes sense (it doesn't), & she goes on and on, trying to prove her point even further. We get it, lady.

The teacher from the other class is on her way over, looking like an if-celebrities-were-normal-people version of Angelina Jolie, hair teased, wearing acrylic nails, & thick, dark pink lipstick. Her wide eyes are fixed on sassypants. Get a grip, you two. I feel like I'm watching the Real Housewives of Midway, UT.

I'm feeling smaller and smaller. They're talking too quietly for me (or old man) to hear. I'm just standing around with a bag full of freakin' sweet lesson plans, waiting for the gossip girls to shut it.

So, I'm bothered.

Mister Sunday School Presidency finally cuts in, telling her not to worry about it anymore. Our class will combine with this other class for the rest of the month. In January, like usual, we'll all switch classes as the kids move up with their age group.

Well, that's just great.

He said, "Enjoy your vacation," & laughed an uncomfortable "get me outa here" laugh. ugh.

Now, I don't know how to magnify my calling. Can I get my teaching partner fired? I'm sure she's a great person... or something. But, I was so excited! It's so frustrating have no authority or "say."

You know what I should have done? I should have walked right out of the classroom, took a hard left turn, grabbed the wrist of the man who was sitting on the couch, & brought him to ground zero to profoundly speak sensible words at these women. BeCAUSE, do you know who that man was?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

BOOM!

My internal battle

WHEN


...is it too early to do Christmas? -I mean, the decorations, music, smell-goods, etc. All the stores have started! Austin and I went to Day's Market last week... Not only do they have a perfect fireplace scene - lit and decorated with stockings and decorations - all RIGHT when you walk in (you know, across from the free-because-it's-so-late-and-we're-just-going-to-throw-these-away donuts), they're also playing some good Christmas music. I mean, classics. Good. No gloomy, distressing Blue Christmas sung by an "All American" yet, dispirited country singer. And, for the record, I like my fair share of country music.

So, anyway. We were there to grocery shop, go to the bank (the only America First CU in Heber Valley is inside Day's Market. I love Day's. I also love drive-throughs...), and buy Thanksgiving goodies. How can I focus on Thanksgiving when Jingle Bell ROCK is playing over the loud speakers?

So, thus begins my annual emotional yule-tide strife. I mean, this begins the first time I smell cinnamon after each Christmas holiday ends ...so, I'm always struggling. I know Christmas is SO great because you don't always have it. The anticipation makes it all the more exciting.

Last year, I started Christmas music before Halloween. I completely neglected the Monster Mash. WHA- overboard. I'll admit it... I got burnt out. Is that awful?

So, THIS year, I just barely started Christmas music (thanks, Day's...) and I only started decorating because I made a new wreath and didn't want to ruin it - so I just hung it up. We didn't have a wreath up, anyway. So, its not like I was replacing anything else...

I want to TRY to hold back (the rest of) my decorating until after Thanksgiving, but I see Christmas decorations cluttering peoples' yards all over town! (Note: I've never been a fan of the blow-up yard decorations. Not since I was 4, anyway.) So, is it ridiculous if I start with the indoor decorations before Thanksgiving?  I want to get good use out of them and Thanksgiving doesn't really have good decorations anyway. Fall is basically over and I don't really like turkeys all that much. I'm pumpkin decoration-ed out (-unless I can pull off a pumpkin with a Santa hat! CUTE! Too much? Yeah.) And cornucopias?! Please...

All I can say for my Christmas music this year is: variety. I need more. How can I brainwash Austin into thinking the same? I mean, I love the Biebs Christmas album from 2011. And really only because that was before his pre-embarrassing-disgustingly-gangly-punk phase, which continues to thrive. So unfortunate.

I do like my "Indie Christmas" pandora station. ha! I felt so dumb typing that. meh. I don't care. It has some good (and the occasional terrible) stuff. I love the classics. I have my "Very Special Christmas" volumes. Essential. I mentioned Charlie Brown Christmas to Austin the other day and had to listen to him rant about the "most depressing Christmas song." So, I guess that's a no-go.

I mean, growing up, we would station the 6-disc-changer stereo system in the centrally-located living room, playing festive tunes non-stop on the daily. Assuming that's normal and appreciated by all humans possessing a heart, I'm gonna need some more music... and a stereo.

Conclusion: Christmas is starting as soon as I muster up the courage to climb to the top of our storage boxes, retrieve all (number of which, I choose not to disclose) the Christmas boxes, and bring them down myself. We all know Austin won't be helping until a day he sees fit to decorate. Does that day look like it's fast-approaching? No.

And there you have it.

No judgement

I'm back.

The majority of experiences I'd like to write about concern people who (I'm pretty positive don't read this but) may (one day, somehow) stumble upon this blog. That's all I'll say about that.

So, sometimes I have to be vague - not because I'm saying anything bad or offensive. But, because I form my opinions and make choices that may not agree with what happened in the experience I had. Make sense? I just don't want someone who I may not know as well to ever think I'm awful. That's basically it. 

So, I'll just start by saying-

Lately, Austin and I have been finding our "groove," you know? Like, this (blank) is really working. Maybe it's our budget, meals we've been trying, the fact that I don't hate everything our dog does anymore, etc. It's pretty fun to have a life different from anyone else and feel like you've come up with it all on your own.

Is this news to anyone else? No?

I think we tried too hard to fit into some mold. I don't know where the handbook on "marriage" can be found. I don't know the "right" way to budget or decorate our house or plan a vacation. I've never known what's best for me or us because I've never done those things... Like, honestly. nnnever really budgeted. Who RAISED me?! Jk. Mom, Dad, I know you tried. Ma'bad.

So- anyway. I don't know what this mold is - or what it's meant to do. But, I'm finding ours. It's stinkin' sweeeet! I mean, we totally mess up and forget to clean our house for a week... or don't buy actual "food" at the grocery store. Have a gym membership and don't go? Guilty! Watch 3+ episodes of the same TV show in one day... in the same sitting... without even pausing to go switch the laundry over? mhmm. Right here.

Sue me. I'm happy! We're getting by. We're enjoying life and I finally feel like we're getting more out of it. I mean, we're totally improving! Maybe not at the rate society would expect (whatever that's really worth). But, I love our life. Austin saaayys he does.....who am I kidding. He totally does!

What I think - and tell me if I sound crazy - is that we all need to be happy for each other. We all get jealous (again, guilty!) and we all make judgements (just assume, from here on out, that I'm talking about myself) but, in the words of the incredible film that is High School Musical, "We're all in this together." I mean, right? At one point or another, we've all worried about "making it" or being "as good as" someone else. Let's just not. We (the human population), as individuals, are in all sorts of different circumstances. We all have a different knowledge-base. Whether we gained our knowledge from experience or from a book. Our best at something might sometimes be someone else's worst. So, can we call a truce?

I wrote a little while ago about being truly happy and eliminating those people who (I feel) bring me down. I still feel that way. I've started hiding several people on Facebook, depending on my reaction (emotionally) when I see them pop up in my news feed. Like I said, I'm human.

For example: If you know me (or have read my blog in the past) you know it's a continuous trial for us to get pregnant. That doesn't mean I'm not happy for anyone who has that blessing. I don't know all the details of their life. So, if I don't want to be surprised with sonograms and pregnancy status updates, that's ok. There aren't any hard feelings.

My thoughts, going along with "we're all in this together" are that, when someone posts a status or picture of their wedding, new car, house, acceptance letter, boat, skis, baby, diploma, pinterest success, summer home, submarine, etc, he/she/they weren't thinking, "ha! I'm gonna make someone so green with jealousy!" They're excited! They should be! And I'm excited for them. But, considering the differences in our circumstances (our finances, medical condition, point in life, or even hobbies or interests) I should be allowed the time to sort through my emotions, gather my thoughts, and share my excitement when I'm ready! Right? -whether that be 30 seconds or a day or two, I want to be part of the excitement! What I don't want to do is overwhelm myself, causing mixed emotions, then misunderstandings, resulting in bad feelings. Has that happened before? yyeah. But, who's fault was it? No one's. Doesn't even matter.

Ohh, bless social media. Good stuff.

Emotions are SUCH a weird thing. It's so funny how, at times, we can't even recognize them in ourselves. When we were little, it was happy, sad, or mad. Now?! Oh, boy. I feel this-but not that! ahh! and kinda/sort that... OHH NO, not that! Oh. Well, this, too - at the same tiiime, I feel like this, this and THIS.... and that. 

So, we're all here on the same earth, living in the same world with the same emotions. Different trials, different blessings, which means different situations. So, I've been really trying to be more understanding. Like, really trying to look at others and what they're going through in a different light. There is no way for me to understand what the whole situation is... and even if I knew every detail, I could never know how they are handling it and the emotions they're dealing with - good or bad.

So, take it for what it's worth. But, take it with a grain of salt. That's my vague blog post.